The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Randomize