Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
