i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
