i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I have feelings that need drinking.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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