he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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