I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
