I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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