I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
