A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
