dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
