my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
