All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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