My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
