so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize