He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
