my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize