If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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