is your mom at the bar?
someone owes me an orgasm
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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