dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
