I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
