shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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