I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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