So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
