I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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