there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
