Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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