Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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