It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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