There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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