Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
