I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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