why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
