i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
