You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
