Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
