WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
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