tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
