my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
