Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
