So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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