I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize