my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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