ya dads aren't the best wingmen
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
