we should wear snuggies to the strip club
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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