cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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