You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Randomize
