And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
