I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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