I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
