my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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