Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize