I'm going to jail i love you
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
