tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
