First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
