he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
you are never too drunk for berry picking
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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