I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
